So what the hell is this all about? I have been thinking about writing a blog for some time. Not out of any need to share my life with the world, but just to get things out of my frazzled mind! I have been through therapy, more on that in later posts; don’t want to blow my load straight away! During my sessions, I was told that journaling is a good way to deal with mental health issues. So here it is.
I decided to call this ‘Who the Fuck am I?’ (yes there will be swearing, probably a lot) for both existential and literal reasons. The latter is probably the quickest and easiest to explain.
I am no one special, yes I’m sure my mother thinks I am. Just a middle-aged, white caucasian male. How very dull. Not even gay, pansexual, bisexual, or identifying as a mutated ill-tempered sea bass. So it seems apt to call this blog/collection of conscious vomit as I did.
The former reason is much more interesting. I really have no idea most of the time! I often question who I am and what is my purpose here. Am I even real? What is all this and what does it mean? I hope that the process of writing this blog will help me to uncover things and maybe put some pieces of the jigsaw together so I can see what the picture is supposed to be. Maybe it will make sense, maybe it won’t. I guess that is just part of the journey.
So all aboard and let’s see what happens and where this goes!
Monday early evening my nan died after a short battle with infections brought on from a massive stroke a few months ago. The kindest thing would have been if the stroke had killed her outright. She would have died sitting on a bench in her garden on a beautiful spring afternoon. Not a bad way to check out.
Instead she had to endure her last few months with severe mobility, speech and eating problems caused by the stroke. Having her privacy and independence stripped from her and regressed to the status of a child. No longer living as she wishes but just existing.
That’s not how I want to go out, or how I want to live my life. Just waiting for the end. The slow march towards the downward decline into mental and physical decay.
I have been through a process of deciding what is important in my life with the focus being in my last days would I regret anything. To get to this point I thought about what was important to me and what I want to do in life. Work did not make that list.
Whilst work is important, you need to make money to pay bills and treat yourself and family but it is not the most important. I won’t let it consume my life like it does to others. I have so much more that I want from life that I must be strict and ruthless with my time. I know what I enjoy that enables me to get paid and I have a job that enables this. However I have been in a team leader role that is on top of my engineering role. This is where the conflict is and is the part that I have decided to remove. It does not serve me or my family and causes me stress which is then passed on and affects my family life. So like cancer it must be removed.
Boundaries must be put in place to protect my family time and stop the creep of work time. I am paid for 37 hours of my life a week. Why should I give more than that? We are generally strict with what we spend our money on. But our time, which is far more valuable, we give away. Money can be gained and lost; but time, and your life only be debited. But unlike your bank balance you cannot check and see how much time you have left in the bank.
Well it’s been a fair few months since writing anything on here. Like most things I guess it just fell by the wayside. Life happened and I just could not be arsed to add another admin task to my life. Well that’s what it felt like. I forgot why I started this in the first place. My weak lazy mind did its job and I just stopped.
Now I’m going to make an effort, it’s not going to be pretty but it will have some content,of a likely dubious nature. Removing barriers and obstacles to putting stuff on here means doing it from my phone, so no pretty pictures.
Lots of good and lots of bad things have happened since my last post. But that’s life. Just trying to work my way through it and stay in the game. Less procrastination and just getting stuff done.
I think, no, I know I need a change. Two days after writing my last post my brother in law was hospitalised after a seizure in the night. This was not expected, he does not suffer from epilepsy or other condition that we know of that would typically cause this. The doctors think it has been brought on by stress. Luckily he was discharged that day after a CT scan to check for bleeds and has an appointment with a neurologist in a few weeks. A lucky escape. He had just finished a 6-month contract with no chance of staying on. Suspicious. Like me, he has darted from job to job, never really being satisfied just doing it for the money and because it was familiar. Stuck in the money trap, driven by fear of social failure. His work does not feed his passions and after a good long talk, it was evident that we both feel the same way and both feel trapped by conformity.
Just to add to the feeling of a cartoon character hitting my head with an oversized comedy mallet a colleague of mine confided that his sister, ten years younger than me, is dying of a brain tumour and has weeks to live. F*#K! The list of people dead or dying just keeps on growing and I can’t help but think that my odds must be getting worse of making it to at least the point that my body and mind are wreaked. Although none of us survives life.
Strange how perspectives shift. Not too long ago I was in a big depression and thought about killing myself to end the pain and stop the suffering. My suffering. The idea that doing this would have brought massive suffering and pain to my family did not even enter my mind, it was too busy being in agony and angst. I got some help and therapy and learned how to control the darkness, it never goes away, but I did not find what causes it. Now instead of wanting to be done with life and check out, I feel a similar but not the same feeling that I want to make the most of life and there is not enough time. Anxiety?
So I managed to get past the depression and learned how to cope with it but not what was causing it. As I have a curious mind and have always wondered how things work, probably the reason I became a technician/engineer, I was not satisfied just knowing the outcome. I need to know why. What is the cause? So I started digging. Listening to podcasts and audiobooks on mental health, philosophy, psychology and neuroscience. I find it fascinating and opened my mind to the fact that we are all different inside our heads as well as physically. One persons normal is anothers strange.
Jigsaw pieces started to come together and things started to make sense to me for the first time in my life. Why I think and feel a certain way, and always have done and why I think this is different to the majority of people. I thought that maybe I was just depressed and just saw the worst of life. Like EE-or in Winnie the Pooh or Marvin the paranoid android! The realised early in my quest that I also had anxiety, not something I thought I suffered with but quite commonly associated with depression.
So further down the rabbit hole I went. Until I came across some youtube videos of a clinical psychologist explaining ADHD signs and symptoms and the various types. Not just the typical disruptive child that bounces around the room that is badly, and wrongly portrayed in the media. Boom! This seemed like the Eurica moment. Things seemed to make sense like they had not done in the past. The depression and anxiety were a secondary issue, a co-morbidity as I learned it was called, not the primary. I get depressed and anxious because of my ADHD. Well suspected as I have not yet had a clinical diagnosis.
ADHD affects executive functions, including planning. So administrative tasks, like booking a Doctors appointment to start a path towards diagnosis, is in itself a barrier. This is probably why people get diagnosed due to others doing this for them! Or, as is looking in my case, it is picked up in your child at school and the process of their diagnosis is pushed forward that way. ADHD is highly genetic and many parents discover they have it in this way.
So being pretty sure I have it, that my son also does, and with some knowledge in hand I hope that I can make some sort of a plan that will both help me and my son live the life that we want and need. I am sure that this will and must involve some changes, maybe large ones but this must be better than constantly fighting internal battles that keep repeating. Also, I want to spare my son the pain that I have gone through and arm him with the knowledge to make decisions that enable a happy life for him and not what is expected by a society that is constructed for ‘normal’ thinkers.
My head is wrecked today, has been for days, maybe weeks now. Can’t say the impending doom caused by Russia invading Ukraine and putting the world on the bring of a 3rd world war with possible nuclear weapons use is helping. In a warped way, I envy the people there. Not for any suffering that they have endured but that they have been stripped of the day to day bullshit and monotony of 21st Century life. Stripped back to the basics of food, warmth, shelter and survival. At the moment for the civilians, I bet it is a huge shock and every day feeling like it could be the last and not knowing what the future holds. Any plans that were made are now dust in the wind. For some though I bet that they never felt so alive, purposeful contributing to a cause greater than themselves and without the baggage of modern life.
Peace in war is a phase that might not make sense to most, an oxymoron. It is though more of a paradox and one that if you have been in an operational conflict situation will understand. You are un-burdened from the noise of modern life, a life that we have been thrown into in a few generations which our primitive minds have not had millennia to adapt to yet. A life of bondage, bound to money and debt. Enslaving ourselves for the benefit of the few with the hope of a couple years of rest at the end, when our bodies are spent and the mind is on the way out too. The acquisition of material possessions that end up possessing you. Paying a mortgage, literally translated as death rope, for a gilded cage. Never be truly free to explore passions or live the life you dream of. That’s life, they say. No, it isn’t. That is merely existing.
The gamble of the current blueprint to life is that you make it to nearly the end and can enjoy a few years without needing to flog yourself. But what are the odds of this gamble paying off in this way? Even if you manage to get to this point what if you have miscalculated and your nest egg is not enough to allow you to do the things you have been dreaming of your whole life? Back to the grind? Also what if you are unable to do the things that you wanted because your health has taken a nosedive. Not to mention the multiple external factors that could scupper your best-laid plans; stock market crashes wiping out any pension, global pandemic, large scale war, climate catastrophe… Still, all of this is assuming that you are not struck down by disease, accident or any other multiple dangers that exist in this universe before getting to some magical point in life called retirement.
I want to live my best life, there is only one chance after all. But I fear that by the time I have figured out how it will be too late. Fear is likely the cause of any inaction that would improve my situation. Fear and its paralysing effect. Its seduction is for short term comfort but long term pain. A true devil’s contract. Mine is the fear of disappointing others or hurting them due to my persevered selfishness. Not wanting to play the game, fit in, do what’s normal and expected by society.
I often think of the question; if I was in the last minutes of life would I have any regrets? Also, would I feel I have made the most of life? More and more of my friends and family members have died, some younger than me and I can’t help feeling guilty that I am still here yet I am not making the most of life. ‘Do what makes you happy’ I’m sure that they would say. But that would come at the price of others’ happiness. My father followed that path, leaving me, my sister and my mother when I was 3 and severely ill. He followed his passions and from what I could tell was pretty happy in his life. I hated him for it. I grew up not wanting to be anything like him. But we are our father’s sons and as I got older I realised I was more like him than I could imagine. The same hobbies, interests and mindset for nonconformity. He died before I could realise any of this when I was 24 and still full of bitterness towards him. Before I could have an adult rational conversation and try to make sense of my life through our shared outlook. In 2 years, I will be the same age as he was at his death. This scares me and fills me with anxiety that though desperately wanting to be a good husband and father, by playing society’s game, I am becoming ever more bitter, resentful and depressed that I am not feeding my own needs and living the way that feels right to me.
As i said at the start in a twisted way, I feel envious of the people of Ukraine. They have had these problems and hang-ups removed for them. They have been stripped back to human’s basic need, survival. But that is also at the extreme of the spectrum and not living.
Waves crash over Newhaven Lighthouse and the harbour wall in Newhaven, southern England on February 18, 2022, as Storm Eunice brings high winds across the country. – Britain put the army on standby Friday and schools closed as forecasters issued two rare “red weather” warnings of “danger to life” from fearsome winds and flooding due to the approaching storm Eunice. (Photo by GLYN KIRK / AFP) (Photo by GLYN KIRK/AFP via Getty Images)
Currently, here in the UK, we are experiencing some severe storms. Records again have been broken, the highest wind speed ever recorded of 122mph (195Km/ph). Not something to feel national pride about. Luckily there has not been any major flooding yet but it seems inevitable. This is no longer a freak event. Every year for getting on 15 years now, probably more records are being broken and not in a good way. In 6 months, it will be the height of summer and I would bet on records also being broken for the highest temperatures on record. Plus the yearly droughts. We are living through an age of unprecedented climate change and we have only ourselves to blame.
Our altering the atmospheric composition through burning things that are best left in the ground has upset the delicate balance and now we reap what we have sown. Global average temperatures are up, perma-frost, glaciers and ice caps are melting. All this freshwater is being pumped into the ocean, lowering the salinity and raising the temperature. The Gulf stream is at threat of stopping and if this happens our climate in northern Europe and especially here in the UK will be drastically and likely irreversibly altered.
The UK sits at the same latitude as Canada but our climate is extremely mild and stable in comparison, swinging around 150C through the year compared to 260C in Canada. Ironically this mild and stable climate allowed agriculture to thrive bringing prosperity, world domination, the industrial revolution and the mess that it has caused. Without that lovely stream of warm water from the Caribbean, this little islands’ climate and ecology will see a massive, damaging change and there will be no going back.
This ongoing change to our global climate is affecting everyone everywhere. We have known about it for at least half a century and its reason. Yet we not only continue to carry out the activities that are causing it we actually increase them! A token effort is being made to cut emissions but it is laughable. Unfortunately, as normal, greed is the driver and likely will be the destruction of our ‘civilisation’. The status quo is too profitable and easy to make the radical changes to global industry and personal lifestyles required to slow down the rate that we are changing the atmosphere. We are too late to stop it.
Oo but what about the technology, that will save us? Probably not. It will just prolong the suffering or make things worse. Like an alcoholic getting a liver transplant. We could avert a catastrophe if we had the collective global will. But the cure, like with the alcoholic is likely abstinence. Unfortunately, we are hooked and the developing world is also getting hooked. They have seen what ‘prosperity’ it has brought for the first world countries and they want some. Who can blame them for that?
We, as a species, are a lazy and selfish bunch. We will take the easy option whenever we can. Head in the sand carry on as normal, it’s not going to happen to me. Also, we are territorial pack animals and again selfish. That’s mine/my groups’ and I’m not sharing. We got too good at making tools and being clever and we have dug ourselves a nice hole that we refuse to get out of. A self-destructive parasite sucking its host dry. We have already started looking for another host. Why do we dream about colonising other planets and the stars beyond? The planet that we live on is an amazingly beautiful place, perfect for us. Yet we look too cold, dead, lifeless rocks and dream of changing them into a barely liveable place. Like having a mansion and dreaming of living in a cardboard box!
Unless we change our ways, and pretty sharpish we will have them changed for us. Maybe it’s the harsh lesson that we need
Most Valuable Player? Nope. Minimum Viable Product.
As an engineer I loath the concept of MVP. I have been subjected to it at work and most of us have been subjected to it as consumers. The concept for those who are unfamiliar is this: You have an idea for a product or service and you give to the world the most stripped-down, basic version of that. The minimum that it is possible to get away with and still stay within the brief of the original idea. The rest will be cobbled along as it goes. Think of mobile phones or computers, more specifically the software or apps that run on them. If these were complete when you got them there would be no need for updates.
Anyway so now comes the time when I must be the perpetrator of this heinous crime. Namely in the form of this collection of nonsense/blog. I would like to have a fair few posts written before launching this site but I fear that either I will get bored or chicken out. So I must give in to the ethos of just getting it out there rather than waiting for the quantity or quality to improve. I doubt the latter will ever anyway.
So instead of doing something related to the job I have, and what is technically paying me at this present time, I am writing this. There are things that I could be doing and I am sure that I could find work for myself to do but I’m just not inclined to do that. I would much rather be doing something that peaks my interest and feels that I have achieved something by doing it.
If I had a set task to complete for the day or a scheduled job to complete that would be fine and I could easily do that but today I just don’t. Well, that’s a bit of a lie, I could write some appraisals for my team but they are not due until the end of next month. I could work on a course that I have said I will present but that is not until September, over half a year away. So today I just don’t feel like making work for myself that I have no interest in. And I don’t feel guilty about it.
I work for a multinational corporation and the vast majority of the time I am either at home or at site. I rarely go to the office. I may speak to my manager a few times a day but this is mostly regarding the latest crisis that is happening and does not directly concern me. I feel apathetic to the concerns of this company. But, when I have a job and I am on-site with customers then I am on my A-game, I take pride in my work and give a good face to the company that I represent. Even when I am working in a room on my own with no one watching, where I could quite easily do nothing or absolute minimum I don’t.
I find it odd how some of my co-workers, mainly the office staff, have a reverence for the place they spend most of their time/life. Like if they had a choice where to be and what to do they would be quite happy just being there, bound to their desk. I see them at the company conferences lapping up the corporate bullshit spouting like a fountain of excrement from the mouths of the managing directors. Clapping like demented gibbons at their scripted platitudes and laughing, seemingly uncontrollably, at the ill-timed and cringe-worthy attempts at humour. Why do I feel such destain for it all?
I should feel some sort of gratitude towards this faceless enterprise. Shouldn’t I? After all they provide me with the money that keeps a roof over my head and food in my belly. And so I should give them my time and efforts in return. So why can I not act or feel like the other lobotomised chimps?
Maybe it is because there are no stakes for me. Do nothing still get paid. So what’s in it for me to do something I’m not interested in when I will get the reward anyway? If anything it feels like I’m wasting my time sitting around staring at my computer screen when I could be doing something that I’m interested in, would enjoy or I could get something from. The fact that I do boot up my laptop and sit at my desk in my home must mean I have some kind of loyalty or I’m worried about being caught out. Maybe I just need the personal stakes or interest to be higher.
Perhaps if I worked for myself I would be a better employee.
I have a job, most would consider it a good one. One that I get paid enough that I don’t have to worry about heating the house, paying the mortgage, feeding my family etc. and have enough left over to spend on things that I might want, treats for the kids and holidays.
Until recently I was hooked into the same rat race merry go round that the vast majority of us are. Make more, more, more, more. It is never enough. Got to get that raise, get that promotion, be recognised. Work more hours, work harder, work smarter. You get the idea and this is probably familiar territory.
I remember sitting on the toilet looking at jobs on one of those sites thinking if only I could make x amount, that would be enough. I would be happy with that. Well not too long after I was and I thought Yes, I’ve made it! But the feeling didn’t last so what could I do? Make more! So I chased that raise and got it. And guess what? Am I any happier? Nope.
So I started thinking. Surely this is not the answer. What Am I doing with this extra money that I now have? Nothing! I don’t like shopping, it is my idea of hell traipsing around shops for stuff that I don’t want. Just for the sake of it. Most of my clothes are 5 years old and counting. Some are probably 20 years old!! But there is nothing wrong with them so why do I need more? Don’t get me wrong I do spend money but it is usually on sporting equipment or motorcycle parts, things related to my hobbies and passions but that is only every so often.
So many wise words
What I really want is time. Time to do the things that are really important to me and the things that make me happy. In the present work regime, it feels like five out of seven days are wasted and the two days that we are allowed to do what we want is so compressed and pressurised to make the most of the time that the stress of it all defeats the purpose of these precious two days.
Sure if I was a millionaire I could just live off of that money and not have to be subjected to toil. But I’m not, and never will be. Unless some fairy godmother comes and hands me a fat check! Fat chance. Oh, but what if I worked more? Then maybe, just maybe I might make it? Sure perhaps but at what cost? Just live for today then, carpe diem that shit and live like there is no tomorrow! I’m sure I have heard this banded about loads and it sure sounds appealing. However, tomorrow always seems to come and usually with some demand for money!
I grew up in a house that did not have much money. Both my mum and dad worked full-time jobs and I remember not seeing my dad around that much as he was always at work/sleeping off night shift/at work doing overtime. There never seemed to be enough money despite all this time being spent working and I grew up with real anxiety that I didn’t want my kids to grow up like that. Also, I did not want my adult life to be like that. Maybe paradoxically this has fueled my quest for money and consequently, I spend too much time and effort in work.
What’s the point then? Maybe it is about trying to find a middle ground. Making enough that the costs of modern western living are met and my family does not need to worry. Also that I have more free time to live life. I realise I am privileged to live where I do and this definitely could be classed as “first world problems”. But the flip side to that statement is if I were to waste the advantages that have been given to me by random (I don’t recall being given a choice of my species, race, gender, location on this spinning rock or time that I would exist) then surely I am doing a disservice to those, not in my privileged position? Like seeing someone driving a Ferrari in the slow lane at the speed of a truck. Make proper use of what you have.
So I have come to the not surprising conclusion that the Monday to Friday 8-6 (Dolly needs to do a rewrite) thing is not working for me. There was a point in my life where I worked 7-2, so the man still gets 35 hours a week out of me but this gave me the time during the week to enjoy the rest of the day. I think that this was when I was happiest. Unfortunately, those days are long gone and if you want a secure salary this is the cost.
I’ve not yet found the answer, but I have started looking and that’s the first step.
Who the F*#! am I? 